Chapter Text
(Arrives at Heaven Embassy )
[Charlie has gotten to right where she wants to be, theHeaven Embassywith the watchtower. She opens the door to peek inside.]
Charlie:Hello! *voice echoes*
[Charlie enters through the door and finds the whole embassy deserted. She walks to the front desk to check in.]
Charlie:Hello?*voice echoes*Creepy...
[Charlie comes to the front desk with no one but a single bell. She taps the bell to ring it, and at the instant, a golden scroll and feather ink pen floats from above over to her.]
Charlie:Oh, okay...*signs it*Also creepy.
[The scroll and feather flies up before disappearing. Right then, the twin doors of the room on the right, slide open to show Charlie the meeting room, and she enters inside the dark room with no one around.]
Lucifer: Don't mess this up or i will beat you to death.
Adam: I know I know ( while sweating, he's totally not gonna say 6 months in advance )
Charlie:Uh...hello? Is anyone here?
[The lights suddenly switched on, revealing two angels at the end of the room, with one being a exorcist lieutenant,Luteand the big boss leader of the Angel Army,Adam, who is eating a rib in his hand.]
Adam:'Sup!
The audience jumped ( Meaning of the jump im saying: Same thing that happens your body when you are jumpscared )
Charlie:Holy, sh*t!
[Charlie immediately fell down after getting surprised by the sudden appearance of two angels in the room. She gets back up and readjusts herself to introduce herself properly.]
Charlie:Hi, I'm Charlie. My dad asked me if I could meet you.
Adam:Yeah, I know.
Charlie:Okay, well.
[Adam eats his rib like a buzzsaw]
Charlie:It's nice to meet you.
Adam:Totally. It's nice to meet you, too.
[Adam reaches over to give Charlie a handshake, and as she was about to shake his hand, her hand slips right through, revealing him to be a hologram, fizzing on and off after being touched, which freaks Charlie out.]
Adam:Ha! I f*cking got you.*turns to Lute*Did you see that?
[Lute nods once.]
Adam:Ha. Good sh*t.
Stella: Angel's can legally swear?
God: Kinda, we all know when we were angered by something, we gotta let some of it out. Some of it because, Wrath.
Charlie:Uh...so, wait. You aren't here?
Adam:No, you think I'd come down there?*laughs*No, I mean, I love the vibe, totally, I love your tunes. Pretty f*cking hardcore, don't get me wrong. But! it's such a bummer! man. Everything down there's just so "eugh", ya know?*chuckles*Ew.
Charlie:Right. So, I'm happy we've got this opportunity to meet. There's a project that I've been working on that I really want to talk to you about-
[Adam puts his finger on Charlie's lips to quiet her down for a moment.]
Adam:Hey, hey, hey, hey, slow down. We've got time. How about we get to know each other a little. Mmm. How about lunch? You hungry? I got you.
[Adam takes a plate of ribs he's been eating toward Charlie.]
Adam:Here's my personal favorite. You'll love it.
Charlie:Uh...thanks.
[Charlie went to take a piece of a rib, but her hand past right through them, also revealing to be a hologram, as they fizz on and off from the touch, and Adam laughs.]
Adam:I got youagain, bitch!*laughs*f*ckin' hilarious!
[Charlie makes a small unamused chuckle alongside Adam's hyper laughter.]
God: Adam, you should really stop doing that
Adam: What, its f*cking Hilarious
(The scene cuts back to the Hazbin Hotel, where the workers and residents are summoned by Vaggie to discuss their poorly misleading commercial. Angel Dust is constantly looking at Husk with seductive gaze while Husk is glaring daggers at him. Vaggie's legs come into the camera before switching back to in person.)
Vaggie:Okay, so, Charlie is dealing with somethingveryimportant, so while she's gone, we are making a new commercial. One that represents her vision and what we're doing here. So, we need a camera.(Turning to Alastor)Alastor?
(Alastor snaps his fingers to conjure up a camera for Vaggie; however, the camera is a folding-type old photography camera from the 1930s with no recording films at that time. Vaggie is unamused.)
Fizzarolli: Really dude
Alastor:Hmmm.
(Despite his extreme distaste for modern technology, Alastor adheres to Vaggie's request and snaps his fingers again, conjuring up a video camera that's poorly used with pieces of tape stuck together.)
Ozzie: Thats better, kinda
Vaggie:Alright! Let's do this!
(The camera switches into the point of view of the video camera recording the bar scene, with Husk behind the counter reading a script in his claws and Angel Dust sitting on a bar stool. The camera whirrs as it brings the two into focus.)
Vaggie:And… Action!
(Husk carefully reads the lines on his script, bringing the script closer to read.)
Husk:"Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel. Can I help you with anything?"
Angel Dust:"I've been a bad boy, and I need a big, strong daddy to put me in my place…on the path to redemption!"
Vaggie: Ok, who changed the script.
Angel: Well, the script was boring as sh*t so............. OW
It turned out the Vaggie punched Angel straight to the face
Husk:"Well, you come—"
Angel Dust:(moaning)"Oh, yes!"
Husk:(bored)…"to the right place."
Vaggie: Angel, you're gonna be seeing your grave after this.
Angel, who now has a black eye, gulped
(Vaggie has had it, and stops recording.)
Vaggie:Cut! Okay, Angel, I need you to be less horny if possible, and Husk, can you maybe not have the script in front of your face?
Husk:(Angrily)I ain't no actor! I can't memorize this sh*t!
Angel Dust:Well, we could improv this sh*t, baby cakes.(gets closer to Husk's face)Rrawwr.(purrs seductively)
(Husk gets irritated by Angel Dust and shoves him off the counter painfully hard.)
Husk:Whoops.
(Husk grabs a bottle and drinks it.)
Vaggie:(Offscreen)Husk, come on.
Angel: I deserved that
Cutting back to Charlie's meeting with Adam, she's looked bored, propping herself on her elbows while listening to Adam exaggeratingly boasting about himself and his sex life. The camera cuts to Adam.)
Adam:So, I was playin' this gig, and for some f*ckin' reason, this virtue chick was diggin' on the drummer, and it's like, "do youknowwho I am? I'm f*ckin' Adam. I'm theoriginaldick!"(pointing to his penis down the table)All dicks descend from me. You think you want drummer dick?(Lute shaking her head)No way! I'm the Dick-f*ckin' master!(eats a mouthful of ribs sloppily)So, anyway, then we f*cked, and it was awesome. What'd you do this weekend?
Audience sans Adam and Lute: YOU f*ckED A VIRTUE?!
God: you're going on trial after this, Adam.
Adam gulped
Charlie:Wait, your name is Adam? Like the first man Adam, that means you…Oh….
(Charlie puts the pieces together, realizing this is the reason why her mother left him, making her wince.)
Charlie:(low voice) That explains so much.
Adam:I know. I f*cking rock.(Holds up his hand in the sign of the horns.)
Vaggie: Oh really?
(Charlie brushes off the awkwardness from Adam and gets to her subject of matter in hand.)
Charlie:Well, Adam, sir. Mr. Adam, sir.
Adam:Call me, Dickmaster.
Verosika: More like limp-Dickmaster
Adam: HEY!
Charlie:Adam. You seem like a smart—(pauses)…well, stand up guy.
Adam:(picking his teeth)Uh-huh.
Charlie:And I know you are the leader of the angels. And you are a big thinker, a revolutionary. A— A genius!
Adam:I mean, your words, babe.
Vaggie: DONT CALL MY WIF-i mean, GIRLFRIEND " BABE" YOU PISS COLORED PRICK.
Adam: I know, im sorry.....................NOT ( laughs )
Charlie:Who would really love to put his name on something.
Adam:f*ckingloveputting my name on sh*t! sh*t's the best!
Charlie:It's a solution to our biggest problem!
Adam:Oh, herpes. Yeah, that's a bitch.
Charlie:No! Our...otherbiggest problem.
Adam:Oh…uh..ugly people? Math? Global Warming? Nah, wait, that's Earth's problem.
(Charlie stares at Adam with deadpan annoyance at how ignorant he is.)
Adam:Ummm...
SD: bro broke the 4th wall and called us ugly.
God: Nah, Earth's problem is taxes.
[Cuts back to the hotel. Niffty tries to stab a bug. She tries to stab the bug, but misses, and starts stabbing the bug multiple times before Vaggie stops her]
Niffty:Stab! Stab! Stab!
Vaggie:Alright Niffty, Niffty. Niffty! Your line is "We have the cleanest rooms", okay?
Niffty:Got it. I'm ready.
[Vaggie turns the camera to Niffty.
Vaggie:Action!
[Upon saying action, instead of saying the line, Niffty freezes and stares blankly at the camera without a breath or blinking from the scene. Vaggie lowers the camera, looking puzzled. Angel also peers in. Close up on Niffty making a blank stare with a ominous shrinking pupil. Angel slowly backs away, already creeped out.]
Charlie: Why does she do that, its creepy.
Husker: Could be part of her deal with Alastor?
Vaggie: True, no wonder he summoned you and Niffty to the Hotel.
Vaggie:Uhh, cut.
Niffty:*snaps out of it and back to her cheerful self*(giggles) How was that?
Vaggie:Well, Niffty, you actually have to say the line, so let's roll again.
Niffty:Ok!
Vaggie:Action!
[Niffty freezes again, leaving Vaggie irritated, as Angel comes close to her face.]
AngelDust:*smug*(whisper)You're doing great, vagin*.
Vaggie:(irritated)Cut! Alright, uhh… maybe we can try to… fix it in post.
AngelDust:Do you even know what that means?
Vaggie:*angrily* I'll figure it out!
Moxxie: That commercial is already in shambles like the IMP's one.
Blitzo: Hey, atleast we dont have someone that is sexually addicted.
Moxxie: Sir, that's Stolas.
Blitzo: Ok nevermind.
[The next scene cuts to a dark room with Vaggie sitting in front of a broken TV, watching the poorly edited shots of the commercial. She groans with frustration before Alastor enters the room.]
Alastor:Seems like you're having a bit of a trouble there, hmm?
Vaggie:Ugh, este pendejo (this asshole)... Why are you even here?
[Alastor takes a seat on a couch next to her.]
Alastor:For the entertainment.
[Alastor's shadow slips out of his form before reappearing behind the couch, making laughing gestures.]
Alastor:I came here because I love seeing wasteful souls struggle to accomplish something meaningful and (shadow disappears) fail spectacularly, like you are doing now. Good job!
God: no wonder he went to Hell, laughed at the poor during the Stock market crash in 1929, and told them they will never succeed in life.
Alastor: It was entertaining actually.
[Vaggie, getting ticked off by Alastor and his carefree insults, stands up and turns the camera toward him.]
Vaggie:(points the camera to Alastor)And here is Alastor, the egocentric piece of sh*t that—
[As Vaggie is panning the camera scene up to Alastor's face, the video camera glitches violently from green to red and Vaggie freaks out, dropping the sparking camera onto the floor.]
Vaggie:UGH!
Alastor:I wouldn't try that, my dear. (pointing to his face)This face was made for radio.
[As Alastor explains, his pupils turn into the shape of radio dials, and the scene goes nearly static before fixing itself back to normal on Vaggie. She has had it with Alastor's insults and walks up to him.]
Vaggie:That'sit. I don't care who or what you are. If you're staying here, you're going to make this work, because it won't be so(imitating Alastor's voice)"entertaining"(back to normal voice)to watch over an empty hotel, will it, sh*tass?
[As Vaggie returns to her chair, Alastor watches her with narrowed eyes.]
Alastor:[shrugging]Fair enough.[approaches her]I'll tell you what. Let's make a deal.
Husk: Don't even dare make a deal with him
Alastor: It was not for your soul even.
Vaggie:Pfft, you think I'm that stupid, making a deal with a demon like you?
Alastor:Not for your soul, just a simple deal. I do this for you, and you never ask me to engage with this frivoloustelevisiontechnology ever again.
[Vaggie has second thoughts on letting Alastor do the work for her.]
Alastor:Or…Charlie can come back to absolutely nothing. Your choice.
[Vaggie glances away for a brief moment before making her decision.]
Vaggie:*sighs*Fine.
[Vaggie picks up the camera and places it in Alastor's hand, where green energy skulls start swirling around it.]
Alastor:Now then!
[Alastor evaporates the camera with a clap of his hand, then snaps his fingers, conjuring equipment for a film set, summoning Angel Dust, Husk, and Niffty, and dressing up everyone in the Roaring Twenties. Ink demons are conjured up as additional film crew members.]
Vaggie:Alright everyone, let's make af*ckingcommercial.
Husker: Nevermind, but if you are a random sinner or dumb enough, Alastor's deal looks like a slave contract.
Audience from Hell: Because it is.
Cuts to Charlie looking exasperated with another of Adam's sexist rants of women and his masculinity.]
Adam:You know when you take her out for the fifth time and she still expects you to pay the check but you're like,(high pitched-voice)"Hey, I thought you wanted equality."
Charlie:NO! Our shared problem of overpopulation in Hell!
Adam:Ohh.(pauses, then laughs)Well, that's not a problem! We got that covered!(turning to Lute)Lute, how many demons did you kill this year?
Lute:Got a good 275 this year, sir.
Adam:275? Woah! Badass! Awesome job, danger tit*! Pound it.
[Adam raises a fist for Lute to make a fist-bump, which she does.]
Ozzie: If other rings were attacked, it would be worse
Audience except Adam and Lute agreed.
Charlie:Uh no, not awesome. Those are my people. You know that, right?
Adam:Oh yeah. That must suck for you!*bursts into laughter*
God: Y'know they are your descendants right?
Adam: I know but they suck.
Charlie:But these are souls...Human souls just the same as the ones you have up in heaven.
Lute:(coldly)They are not the same. They had their chance and they earned damnation.
God: They have a second chance called, redemption.
Charlie:You're wrong. Sinners made mistakes, sure, but everyone makes mistakes.
Lute:Angelsdon't make mistakes.
Charlie:Youreallythink that.
Lute:Iknowthat.
Adam:Yeah, I've never made a mistake in my f*ckin' life.
SD: Laughtrip mp.3
Audience sans Adam and Lute, Laughs
God: Oh Lute and Adam, you guys are really good at your jokes right there.
Lute: But its true.
Blitzo: How about Cain and Abel?
Adam: WHO SAID THAT?
Blitzo: I did and its true.
Adam: They are not mistakes.
Adam:Oops, almost out of time. Guess we should get into it.
Charlie:Oh, f*ck!
[Charlie rushes to present her plan as fast as she can, summoning a stack of papers to the table.]
Charlie:Okay, I've got a lot to get through and not a lot of time, and I feel like you weren't hearing me before, so here it goes.(clears throat)
[Charlie starts singing quickly, pulling drawings from the stack to show them what she means.]
Charlie:♫ I knowHell'spopulation is out of control. ♫
♫ It's a bad situation. ♫
♫ It's taking a toll. ♫
♫ If we rehab theseSinners. ♫
♫ And cleanse all their souls. ♫
♫ At myHazbin Hotel—♫
[Charlie puts down the drawings she's holding and reaches for another.]
Charlie:Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself!
♫ Right!Extermination! ♫
♫ I know you guys fly down. ♫
♫ Just to kill once a year. ♫
♫ And it must be annoying. ♫
♫ To schlep all the way here. ♫
♫ If they join you in Heaven. ♫
♫ That trip disappears! ♫
♫ You can wave that chore farewell. ♫
♫(deep breath)It'll be a happy day in— ♫
Adam:♫ Let me stop you right there. ♫
Charlie:Oh—
Adam:♫ Save us all precious time. ♫
Charlie:Okay...
Adam:♫ If what you're suggesting. ♫
♫ Is letting them climb. ♫
God: I suggested that Adam, you failed to do so.
♫ Up the ladder. ♫
♫ Oh, they'd rather crossthe Pearly Gates? ♫
Charlie:Well, uh—
Adam:♫ Sorry, sweetie. But there's no defyin' their fates! ♫
♫ 'Cause Hell is forever. ♫
♫ Whether you like it or not. ♫
♫ Had their chance to behave better. ♫
♫ Now they boil in the pot. ♫
♫ 'Cause the rules are black and white. ♫
♫ There's no use in tryin' to fight it. ♫
♫ They're burnin' for their lives. ♫
♫ Until we kill 'em again! ♫
Charlie:Okay, but—
Adam:♫ Just try to chillax, babe. ♫
♫ You're wasting your breath. ♫
Charlie:Hehe...
Adam:♫ Did I hear you imply. ♫
♫ That they don't deserve death?
♫ Are they Winners? ♫
♫ Are they Sinners? ♫
♫ 'Cause it's cut and dry. ♫
Charlie:Well, actually, if you take a look—
Adam:♫ Fair is fair, an eye for an eye! ♫
Vaggie remembered how she lost her eye.
♫ And when all's said and done (Said and done) ♫
♫ There's the question of fun (Fun) ♫
♫ And for those of us with Divine Ordainment. ♫
♫ Extermination is entertainment! ♫
♫ Bow-now-now-nownow ♫
♫ Guitar solo, f*ck yeah! ♫
♫[Adam sings guitar solo]♫
[Charlie gets up after being knocked down by Adam]
Charlie:Ugh...
Adam:♫ Hell is forever. ♫
♫ Whether you like it or not. ♫
♫ Had their chance to behave better. ♫
[Four golden mirages of Exorcists appear, surrounding Charlie from all sides.]
(Charlie:Where the hell did you people come from?!)
♫ Now they boil in the pot. ♫
♫ 'Cause the rules are black and white. ♫
♫ There's no use in tryin' to fight it. ♫
♫ They're burnin' for their lives. ♫
♫ Until we kill 'em again! ♫
♫ f*ckin' Hell is forever. ♫
♫ And it's meant to suck a lot. ♫
♫ So give up your dumb endeavor. ♫
♫ 'Cause you don't have a shot! ♫
[Charlie gets so angry that she turns into her demon form, making a growling noise as she burns the paper she's holding]
Millie: Cool demon form
Lucifer: Thats my daughter
Charlie: Thank you guys.
♫ Long as I've got your attention. ♫
♫ I guess I should probably mention. ♫
♫ That we've made the determination. ♫
♫ To move up the next Extermination! ♫
[He brandishes a scroll reading "f*ck YOU I DO WHAT I WANT!!"]
Charlie:What?!
Adam:♫ Can't wait a whole year. ♫
♫ To slaughter those little c*nts. ♫
♫ I know it's just been a week. ♫
♫ But we'll be back in six months! ♫
Audience sans Adam and Lute: WHAT!?
God: Alright, who said that you can change the date, Sera is it you?
Sera: It was not me my Lord.
God: Looks like it was Adam huh, i will add that to his crimes when the trial comes.
Charlie:Um, wait, you-you—
[As Charlie tries to get to Adam, the door slowly closes while he continues to do a guitar solo shredding. It fully closes before she can reach him.]
Charlie:[tearing up]Ugh,sh*t!
[Defeated, Charlie slams a fist on the door before the scene cuts to black.]
Lucifer: Oh im gonna really f*ck you up after this Bitch.
Adam: f*ck you Shorty
[Charlie sadly returns to the hotel. Vaggie runs to her and hugs her.]
Vaggie:Charlie! How did it go, did they listen?
Charlie:Oh, they sure did… hear it. But, um-
Vaggie:Oh, come here! We have something exciting to show you.
[Vaggie leads Charlie to the group]
Vaggie:Alastor pulled some strings and it's about to air.
Alastor:I pulled a few limbs too, hahaha!
Charlie:Wait, the commercial? You all made a new one?
Angel Dust:Yeah, one of my better performances if I do say so myself.
Charlie:*beaming and tearing up*That's... that's amazing.
Angel Dust:Sshh, it's starting.
Vaggie (On TV):Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel -
[TV cuts to a breaking news report]
[Vaggie, Charlie and Angel get annoyed and angrily complain. Niffty claps and giggles.]
Auidence sans Adam, Lute, and Sera: OH FOR f*ck SAKE, REALLY!!!!!!?
Katie Killjoy:Breaking news in Hell today! We have just received word from the Heaven Embassy that the next Extermination is happening sooner than ever before. Do you know what that means,Tom?
Tom Trench:No, what does that mean, Katie?
Katie Killjoy:It means we're all royally f*cked!*Eye twitches*
[Screaming can be heard from Sinners as the time on theClock Towerreduces to 176 days until the next Extermination.]
Angel:Wait, what? Why?!
[A drone scours an area until it finds a dead Exorcist corpse with its head missing. The drone scans the corpse.]
Lute:We found the body, sir. They've never managed to kill one of us before. We should just go down there now anddestroythem!
HB characters: THEY CAN GET KILLED!?
God: Of course they can get killed, only exorcists can get killed.
Adam:No, no. We can't risk them catching on. But don't worry. When we come back, there won't be a demon left alive to pull a stunt like thisagain!
[Adam slams a fist on the projector, destroying it and causing its light to disappear, leaving only Adam's glowing evil smile.]
Mammon: What an episode.
